velvet dragon


Ultimate Annoying List

A list continually growing, a compilation of many "how to annoy" lists out there, with a few additions of Tser's own!

  1. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
  2. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  3. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
  4. Wear your pants backwards.
  5. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  6. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  7. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...."
  8. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  9. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  10. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
  11. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
  12. Begin all your sentences with "Ooh la la!"
  13. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  14. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
  15. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  16. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
  17. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see "the magic picture."
  18. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  19. Wear a LOT of cologne.
  20. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  21. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  22. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  23. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  24. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  25. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
  26. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
  27. type only in lowercase.
  28. AlTeRnAtE uPpEr AnD lOwErCaSe.
  29. Mak alot off speling erors.
  30. don t use any punctuation either
  31. Forward every e-mail chain letter you get to everyone you know, and don't erase the headers.
  32. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing it's your property.
  33. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  34. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  35. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  36. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
  37. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
  38. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  39. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
  40. Name your dog "Dog".
  41. Ask people what gender they are.
  42. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  43. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
  44. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  45. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  46. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  47. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
  48. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"
  49. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
  50. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  51. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  52. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
  53. Honk and wave to strangers.
  54. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  55. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
  56. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  57. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  58. Mow your lawn with scissors.
  59. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
  60. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
  61. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
  62. Drum on every available surface.
  63. Never make eye contact.
  64. Never break eye contact.
  65. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  66. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
  67. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
  68. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
  69. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
  70. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  71. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
  72. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
  73. Send virus warnings to every e-mail mailing list you belong to, especially if they're not computer related.
  74. Insist that everyone address you as Conquistador.
  75. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
  76. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  77. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  78. Set alarms for random times.
  79. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  80. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  81. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  82. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  83. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  84. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
  85. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
  86. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  87. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
  88. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  89. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  90. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  91. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  92. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  93. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
  94. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  95. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
  96. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  97. Stand on a street corner, pointing a hair dryer at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
  98. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  99. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
  100. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  101. Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.
  102. Sing along at the opera.
  103. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  104. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  105. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  106. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  107. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  108. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
  109. Sniffle incessantly.
  110. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  111. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
  112. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
  113. When pulled over, insist that the police officer give you leniency because you're drunk and therefore obviously impaired -- you couldn't have known what you were doing.
  114. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  115. Drive half a block.
  116. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.


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